Confessions of a Church-Shopaholic

It was Father's Day. 

“Chris, if they sing Good Good Father and preach on the Prodigal son, I might blow my brains out.” I groaned. 

We were driving to try another new church that Sunday and I was already weary. Weary because I knew what lay ahead. 

Hi, my name is Gabby and for the past two years I've been a church-shopaholic. 

I know it's bad. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true. I know I'm the type of millennial that inspires hilarious mock videos  like this one. It's not something I like to share because I know I really fit most of the stereotypes. Flaky, non-committal, in-it-for-the-wrong-reasons, like I’m picking out a Starbucks drink. 

In the last two years I've tried nearly every kind of church Nashville has to offer. I've been to your classic suburban, middle class white evangelical church, with that stellar kids ministry and a multi-million dollar play complex on the grounds. I've been to small charismatic churches, lit with candles and bead drapes hanging from the walls, and people shouting and swaying side-to-side with Holy Spirit abandon. I've been to churches with female pastors and churches with male pastors. To Episcopalian churches where I sat and stood, tears streaming down my face because it felt so good to read Scripture out loud as a congregation. I’ve been to churches where worship is just a bluegrass band twanging out ‘Be Thou My Vision’ (this is Nashville after all). Churches where worship is led by 30 year-olds who look like 20 year-olds, dressed in long t-shirts and jumping to ‘This Is Living Now’. Churches where my hand cramped from trying to write everything the pastor said because it was so profound, and churches where I didn’t need to open my Bible. One church started at 8:30 (isn’t this suppose to be the day of rest?!), another on Tuesday at night. Oh, and they all served coffee. Except for the Episcopalian church which had wine and real bread at communion. None of them felt like home.

Yet I knew I need it. I felt this yearning for connection every week. So I kept visiting churches, waiting for one to feel like home. 

“Church is not entertainment, church is not entertainment. Father, help me absorb this message, meet me in the worship, this isn’t about me, this is about you. Jesus, I love you, I want to draw near, why I am I so bored?!?”

That was my inner monologue that Father’s Day Sunday (and most Sundays). Equal parts guilty for feeling bored, trying to open my heart to the experience, but also wanting to be real with God about where I was at. I didn’t want to fake it until I made it. 

I’m not saying I was faultless, or that my heart didn’t need a healthy dose of humility, truth and good old-fashioned faithfulness. I’m just saying this is where I was at until recently. However, I also don’t think it’s entirely my fault that I struggled with this for so long. 

Think about it, 90% of Sunday mornings are structured like this: you file into your preferred seat (given you arrive early enough, ideally somewhere near the action but not too up front), you sit in the congregation (audience) and wait for worship to start (the opening act), after which there’s sometimes a moment to greet your neighbor (an intermission) before the sermon (the main act). Sometimes you can even pick up the sermon at the book store (merchandise table). 

While I know there are good reasons why churches across America structure services this way, I also wonder if it’s time to rethink it? We structure our gatherings like entertainment events, so is it any wonder we come in with an entertainment mindset? The problem is, compared to a Justin Beiber concert, Sunday morning, no matter how many lights, doesn’t really hold up. 

In my search I was hungry to be taught and to learn more about the Bible, I just didn’t want a sermon. I was thirsty to be ushered into the presence of God through worship and communion, I just didn’t want a concert. I wanted to meet the person next to me, I just didn’t want to have 30 second conversation with someone I may never see again. I was desperate for something real, that I could take with me into the week. 

I know, I’m even cringing as I type these words. But this is a confession, so hopefully y’all can take it. 

In the last two years my favorite church services were the ones we had on tour. Everyone on our team would roll out of bed in their pyjamas, find some coffee and sit in a circle. We’d read Scripture and our tour pastor Dustin would share a 15 minute lesson he’d prepared that week. Then he’d turn it over to us. I learned so much about God in what he revealed not only to Dustin (who did an amazing job every week), but through my peers on tour as they shared what they learned from that passage. I felt closer to them, more encouraged to pray for them, I saw Jesus actively working in their hearts and it made me want to open my heart up too. 

I think this is what most people want from a church— a forum to bring their real selves, to be accepted, a chance to speak, a chance to respond to what God’s saying and doing, to meet with Jesus and feel him near. As my Northern Irish Pentecostal husband often remarks about American church services, “sometimes it feels like we program the Holy Spirit right out!” 

Anyway, my purpose in writing this wasn’t to “fix” church, to say I’m better than a standard church gather (because I’m not!), or to offer some wisdom about what church should be. There are plenty of wiser, more experienced men and women out there who can speak to those things. What I do hope to do is a couple of things: 1) share my experience in case it’s your experience too. In those two years there was only one friend of mine who voiced the same struggle, and it made me feel even more lonely than I already did. So if this is you, don’t give up. Keep pressing into Jesus, he knows the desires of your heart. 2) To ask my questions out loud, if you have questions, voice them too. Maybe some of you have some good answers, maybe there are some solutions someone who has been down this road can bring. 

All in all, I think we’ve all been guilty of this mindset at one point or other. I just wonder if what’s often interpreted as flakiness, is just a yearning for something more?

*  *  *  

Epilogue 1.0 - I have found a church that meets in a high school auditorium a few blocks from my house that feels like “home.” Yes, I file in and sit alone most mornings (Chris is on the road), and we sing Chris Tomlin songs and there are candles. But Jesus meets me there so I’m going to keep going. I’ve been twice and signed up for a small-group. This is big for me haha!

Epilogue 1.1 - Sounds like you need a house church, some of you might be thinking. But if you’re just visiting, attending a house church can feeling intimidating and intense. Not saying it’s a good reason to not go, just saying that was my honest reason for avoiding them.

Epilogue 1.2 - Yes, they did sing Good, Good Father that morning, and yes, the pastor did recap Tim Keller’s Prodigal God. My brain is still in tact, and God met with me that morning despite my fears and anxiety about the content.  

The Day I Wanted Jesus

I was 15 when I decided I wanted to get to know Jesus. Up until that point I remember squirming through youth retreats and Bible studies and feeling a bit like a faker. Everyone else seemed to have this Jesus thing on lock, while I wondered if I was doing all the right things, and if any else could see me stifle my panicked face whenever we were asked to look up verses in Nehemiah (was that BEFORE or AFTER Psalms?)

In a particularly vulnerable moment I remember confessing to my Bible study leader that I wanted to want Jesus, but at the end of the day I found faith boring, confusing and completely out of reach (I remember she told me "The fact that you even want to want to is a good thing!" Which I think was meant to be an encouragement, but it felt like she had thumped me on the back and said "Nice job, sport! Try again next year!")

Spirituality felt unattainable and mysterious. Like being in hot yoga and slyly peering around to make sure you're doing the right thing, and wondering why everyone else looks relaxed while you feel like you want to vomit from contorting your body upside down in 100 percent humidity.

But as uncomfortable as I felt growing up surrounded by Christians who wanted me to "believe," that was never enough to really inspire me to make the leap. There was never a Christian who ever said the right thing at the right time, or a verse in the Bible that suddenly made it all clear. There wasn't an amount of peer pressure (or parents of friends who thought I was a little "too out there") that made me want to want Jesus. 

What made me want Him was the fact that He never asked me to be anything but me.

I didn't know He wanted that because all the Christians in my life were telling me He wanted me to change. But when it came to it, when it came to me crying my eyes out every night before bed because my life felt hallow and weak, when it came to chasing down everything I wanted in life and always still coming up short, when it came to being rejected by Christians and non-Christians alike and feeling like my life had become one, big, ravenous hole of neediness, that's when I heard it. It wasn't an audible voice, but it might as well have been because of how clearly it came into my heart:

I want you.

He wanted me. Not different but like this. Not better, or worse, or less weak, or more intelligent, or even more Christian. 

That's when I finally, for the first time in my life wanted to get to know Jesus, because He first wanted me. 

It's funny how the Holy Spirit can do in a moment what a lifetime of awkward Bibles studies, cheesy Sunday school songs, and well-meaning pastors and camp counselors try to achieve. 

This is just my story about my Jesus. Maybe you have a different story about who dried your weepy eyes and reminded you that your humanity was precious. But today, whether you believe in Jesus or not, I hope you know that you are wanted just the way you are. 

If you want someone to talk to or affirm that you're wonderful, please don't hesitate to reach out. You don't need to "believe in Jesus" or have the same faith as me, I won't try and force you to think those things. I'll just listen and remind you that you're loved and beautiful. Send me an email, drop me a note, it'll make my day. 

We're Christians, of course we welcome refugees

A few weeks ago in Chicago I caught a flash of a sign outside an old stone church. In place of service times and hours of operation, it simply read "We're Christians, of course we welcome refugees." 

My mouth hung open, as our uber driver continued to whip around the corner and the sign was gone. So simple, so profound.

I'm going to be honest with you, I don't really care about making America great again. America, like Rome and Greece and Babylon and the British Empire will come and go. While I'm deeply grateful for the education, opportunity, and relative freedom being American has given me, I'm not nationalistic. 

I think that's maybe my parents fault for raising me in Central Asia, in a Muslim city where we could play hide-n-go seek around ancient mosques and hear the call to prayer, that distant yearning for something more meaningful at five in the morning. 

Although I always knew that we believed different things, that didn't stop my Uzbek friends from being little, laughing, brown-eyed girls from being humans with hopes and dreams. 

We're Christians, of course we welcome refugees. 

Of course we champion the cause of the defense-less, perhaps even at our own risk, because Jesus came for us at His own risk. And he calls us to pick up our crosses and follow him. Of course we gather in the homeless, the huddled masses, the orphans and widows because it's what we're commanded to do. How can I claim the love of Christ, and not give myself up for the sake of other's? It's my conviction that I cannot. 

We aren't made for this world, this kingdom, this America. We were made for a kingdom that is yet to come. Let's hold onto that promise! Let's pour our energy, our time, our love, our sacrifice, our names into that kingdom. One that will never fade. 

So if you're like me and feel like you wish there was something you could do to help, to speak up, to make your voice heard for those who have no voice of their own, I'd ask you to sign this petition to help keep our arms open towards refugees, in the knowledge that real love often costs us our very souls, and that anything cheaper isn't worth it. 

Words Are My Safe Place -- post election musings.

Words have always been my safe place. 

Numbers, science, math are all more logical, more sure, more sturdy. But they feel cold and devoid of nuance, lacking the grey areas that makes us human. Writing has always been where I go when I'm scared.

And these days I'm scared. 

I'm scared because I'm watching the politics rip the church of the United States of America open, leaving her bloodied, battered and scattered across the floor. Jesus' prayer feels distant and idealistic:

"That they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me."

But that's the thing, when words are your safe place, you hold onto them, no matter how out of reach they may feel. 

They also break your heart when they come in crashing and destroying over social media. 

These days I'm tempted by segregation. I want to distance myself from those who feel so fundamentally different to myself. I want space, a break-up, a canyon between myself and the ones who claim a Jesus who feels foreign. 

Through tears I watch my Muslim, black, Mexican, and LGBT fellow humans cower in fear, strategize for their safety, and think "This cannot be the Gospel! Perfect love casts OUT fear, it doesn't inspire it!"

And since when is grace fair? 

These are the things I find my heart heavy with the days since the election. Maybe you do too. 

But I'm fighting. Not the OTHER, I'm fighting the divide. I'm a strong believer in hugging those who don't hug you back. 

It feels like there are a lot of Christians who aren't hugging me back right now. 

I want to close the canyon. Instead of distancing myself from those who are different to me, I want to lean in and ask questions. I want to listen, I want to show love. 

Show love. Show love to illegal immigrants. Show love to fellow women who feel objectified and used by men. Show love to Trump supporters and Hillary supporters. Show love until it bleeds me dry. If I'm pushed away, I want to lean in harder. We are one. We are the prophetic voice preparing the way of the Lord. 

Jesus says, THIS is how we know who belongs to Him. Not by who we vote for, but by our unity. 

Not by having all the same opinions, ideals and dreams for the future. Not by our country. Not by the color of our skin. But by our love, unconditional, radical, border breaking love. 

These are the words I hide in today. 

The Heritage of Created Things

Growing up, it was not uncommon for us to sleep out under the stars. 

Summer nights in Uzbekistan were hot and dry. So different from muggy evenings in Minnesota where we had come from, where the air you breathed carried the moisture of a ten thousand lakes. No, Uzbek summer nights were dry, hot, and unrelenting. 

So on those nights, we’d sleep outside under an ocean of stars. 

All five of us kids would sprawl out on so many mats and blankets with both dogs lying below the wooden frame we were sleeping on. I can still remember the smell, and feel on my skin. There’s nothing like a desert night sky to make you feel small. 

Not in a bad way though. It’s funny how God doesn’t make bullies, not even in creation. It’s not the kind of smallness we humans sometimes impart to one another, using each other’s weaknesses to step up on in life. 

It’s the kind of smallness that fills you with wonder. Instead of making you wonder why exist, it’s the kind of smallness that teaches you your proper place and makes you feel like you belong to a heritage of created things.

I used to wonder if the stars could see us, if we were twinkles they looked down on in their own night sky. Did they try to reach out and touch us too?

While all my brothers and sisters breathed deeply, I’d lie awake feeling the breeze on my face and significantly insignificant. 

We don’t treasure the purpose of small things enough. 

Maybe because we lose the perspective of the stars?

My small nine-year old life felt tiny, and yet full of infinity. I loved feeling the contradictions embrace one another inside of me, even though I didn’t really understand how they could. 

Years later I place too much worth in figuring things out. I’m less content with mystery and more fixated on answers. 

I want to make things feel right and orderly. I want everyone to feel like the sun, instead of helping them find their constellation in the stars. 

When pain, questions, and frustrations arise, I’m too quick to start a blind search for the unknowable instead of laying back and experiencing my smallness in the midst of it all. 

How do we unlearn our need for the finite? How do we relearn to utter the words “I don’t know?”

I’m afraid I’ll lose that child-like acceptance of the mystery of the universe. I’m afraid I’ll lose the peace of feeling small and important. 

So today, I’m here to say “I don’t know.”

Tonight I’m resting in an infinity of unanswered questions and the peace of untameable stars.  

The Trouble With Raising Stubborn and Independent Girls

I begged her not to make me go. 

"It's going to be just fine. You can do it."

I was seven. We had just moved to Uzbekistan a month ago and my parents were sending my younger sisters and I to daycare to make friends. I didn't want more friends. I already had a few girls who shyly shoved their dolls in my hands (the universal little-girl code for "we're friends") and played hide-n-go-seek with me even though I didn't know what any of the words they were saying meant. 

But my mama was not to be argued with once she made up her mind. We were going. That was that. So we did, trembling and holding hands like sisters who are trying to be brave do. 

(I suppose I should mention that my youngest sister, Sami, had none of the fears I did about going to a new daycare. She marched her three year old chubby legs up to the door and was immediately, universally adored. Because she's Sami, that's how she rolls.)

My mom cringes when we girls remind her of this story.

"I shouldn't have made you go! A good mom would've listened to you!" She buries her face in her hands. 

But I don't know if I agree. You see, I love the way my mom raised her girls. She raised us to be independent, adventurous and unafraid to try new things. No daughter of her's was going to whine about not wanting to do something. We had to at least try it. 

So we fought back. That's the trouble with raising stubborn and independent girls-- they could turn on you at any moment. 

The first few weeks we gave it a try. We awkwardly fiddled our thumbs while the teachers talked; and clung to each other on the playground where everyone seemed to already have their friends; we stared with wide eyes during music hour much to our teachers dismay who thought we should probably know a few words of Uzbek by now; and we did our best to stay still during nap time. 

But finally enough was enough. One day I took Micaela by the hand and said "We're getting out of here." So after playtime in the garden, instead of following the kids into the building, we marched out determined to go home and never come back. 

(Full confession: we left Sami. Because let's be honest, she was having the time of her life. Plus a three-year-old would have just been extra weight and we couldn't carry her untold miles all the way home!)

So we headed out passed the gates and in the direction we thought was home. We didn't make it very far before one of the daycare teachers came running out in her white uniform waving her arms and going on in Uzbek. We didn't have to speak Uzbek to know what she was saying. 

I crossed my arms and shook my head. Micaela and I stood there until our mom came and took us home. 

The next day, we did it again. And the next. Until finally our mom gave in. We waved good-bye to our daycare and hello to the dusty streets by our house. 

I love this story from my childhood because it shows me what I'm made of, and the kind person my parents were raising me to be. (Although I did carry this habit of running away and skipping school well into my middle and high school years, honestly it's amazing I even have a college education!) 

But I love the spirit of what they were trying to do. My tiny, petite mom is one of the strongest women I know. She's the woman who pushed me out of my comfort zones, and then gathered me up her arms at the end of the day and read me books. She's the woman who let me tromp around the foothills of the mountains near our house alone, knowing that I had it in me to find my way back. She's the one who stood up for my friend when we found out her family was beating her, who set her tiny jaw and said enough was enough. She's the only person on our street who took in the gypsy woman and fed her tea, pomegranates and bread every month for a year. She visited women who's husbands had left them, the single moms, the girls who found themselves pregnant, she spread her wings and took them in. She baked them bread, made them meals, found them jobs, empowered them to be leaders of their own lives. 

So when I said I didn't want to do something that was hard, you can understand why that didn't go over well with my mom. She was the woman who taught me how to read, and gave me Madeleine L'Engle, Charlotte Brontë and told me about how journalism was a real job. 

I hope that someday if I have a little girl, she'll know I'll always encourage her to do hard things-- and that she can always fight back. (Respectfully of course, the number one rule growing up in our house was "You WILL respect your mama.")

I hope I don't just tell my daughter to do bold and independent things, I hope I show her how they're done.

Yeah, so that's a story about how I grew up. 

I've Changed

By this point I can feel the sweat trickle down my forehead and run off the tip of my nose— it’s hot. Much too hot and late to be counting stacking t-shirts and organising boxes of CDs. To be honest I used to hate this kind of work. It was monotonous, grubby and exhausting. My muscles would ache, my clothes would smell of sweat that never really seemed to come out no matter how much I washed them, my nail ripped to shreds from opening box after box. 

I’m not try to overdramatise that time, it’s how I remember those nights running the merchandise booth during my first year of touring. 

Little did I know that I wasn’t just stacking boxes, I was building character. 

I didn’t fully understand that purpose and character can be forged in the unlit corners of a semi truck counting CDs and hats. 

I didn’t know that I was being discipled. 

Up until that year discipleship had always looked like meeting in cosy coffee shops, poring over books I picked, and having someone sit and listen to me while I talked about… well, me.

So when discipleship looked like pouring myself into hard work, I didn’t recognise it. I couldn’t see how any of this was designed for my good.

Until that year, church was something designed for me, not a community created by me. No longer could I hide behind my Sunday best, a tall soy cappuccino and a groggy morning smile. 

That year church looked like doing grocery shopping for my friends and learning how to apologise to people I barely knew when they saw the worst sides of me, again, and again, and again…

We choose our friends, we’re given our family. That includes the family of God. I'm grateful that even though my road family didn't choose me, they gathered me in with open arms, forgave me when I was stroppy, pursued me when I was tired and helped pick me up over and over. 

I guess I’m thinking of all of this because this week, as I loaded suitcases of t-shirts onto Tom’s white pick-up truck at midnight in Palmdale, California, I couldn’t help but notice I’ve changed. 

Three years ago I would’ve been holding back tears all the way back to the hotel, questioning why I was literally the last person to leave the festival that night. I would’ve stifled bitterness when I got to my room and found my husband, showered and half asleep, while I tip-toed around smelling like a bag of dirty laundry. I would have questioned my worth. I would have questioned my significance and I would have felt like I didn’t matter as much. 

But that night, none of the thoughts even tried to creep into my heart. Instead I felt a glow. A glow of satisfaction for a job well done. A sense of accomplishment that I was able to serve my team, play my part, and be relied upon. I fell asleep exhausted, but happy (and honestly, probably a little bit sweaty!) 

I didn’t know I was being discipled these last few years, but I’m grateful I was. I didn't know I was being discipled when Gareth would take me out for coffee and ask me what my dreams for life were, and how Rend Collective could be a part of them. I didn't know I was being discipled when Ali patiently went over the merchandise spreadsheets with me....again, or when she invited me over for dinner, or out to get our nails done. I couldn't see the bigger picture when I was crying in another strange hotel room to my husband, saying I was done with ministry, that I needed to go home. I didn't know I was being discipled when he'd put his arms around me, and tell me I had it in me to get back up and do it all over again tomorrow. 

We need community to mould us. We need community to push us further, and pick us up when we fall down. At least I did. 

These days I’m wary of saying what I “won’t do”, and when there aren’t things in my life I didn’t pick for myself. We need the interruptions, heavy t-shirt boxes to shape the muscles of our souls. We need people we didn’t choose to be in our lives and teach us what it looks like to be family. They're often the ones God chooses for us, and result is a sweeter, deeper and more long-lasting friendship that isn't based on anything fleeting.

These days I don’t think less of myself, I think of myself less (although it’s definitely still a work in progress!) And I love my work. Not because it's changed so much, but because I've changed so much. My little road family has taught me how to widen my view, to keep my eyes on the finish-line, to find my worth from a deeper, calmer place. And I love them for it. 

I thought I was doing a service by giving up my time, skills, talents to come on the road. But really God was using it to serve me. The point of this post isn't to say how awesome I am. But I do want to celebrate the people and growth God has worked in this stubborn, often self-absorbed heart.  

So wherever you are, whether its living your dream or wondering when your life is ever going to be something you live, close your eyes and rest. There isn’t a moment Jesus isn’t sure of what he’s doing in your life. He’s for you, he loves you way too much to leave you where you are.

Life is worth celebrating

If I've learned anything in my years as a follower of Jesus, it's that life is worth celebrating. 

It is. That's just a fact. 

The battle for us is just believing it. 

To believe it when we're huddled on the floor; to believe it when the skin on our bones starts to rot; to believe it when our marriages feel like cages; to believe it when bombs take lives in Brussels, in Ghanaian schools, in the Middle East; to believe it when tyrants and racists threaten to take over the world; to believe it when we humans seem so hell-bent on abusing everything and everyone around us. 

Life is worth celebrating. 

The truth and our reality collide.

Maybe it'd all be easier if life didn't mean as much, we think, so we distance ourselves from how rare and beautiful it is to even exist . 

It's easier to think of refugees as numbers, and 90 year olds in hospice as old people, and cancer patients as victims of science. Because our souls can't reconcile the pain we find ways to justify the slaughter of unborn children, and the senseless trafficking of humans all over the world. 

It's too much. 

This year I'll be 27. Easter is more complex for me than hunting for eggs and wearing flowery dresses to church, and I think it is for you too. I can no longer be a happy-clappy Christian on Easter or on any other day. 

But I can, and do, cling to the truth: life is worth celebrating. 

I believe that's what Jesus was saying when he rose from the dead. Life-- our lives-- were worth dying for. God so loved the world that he gave everything, so that we may have eternal life. God values life, he breathed it into us. 

The whole narrative of the Bible contains the preciousness of human life to the Father. Not because he needs us, not because we add to his worth or contentment in any way, but because he unconditionally loves his people. 

Yes, this life, the one we wade through every day is underwhelming at best. But Life, eternal, spotless, sinless, Life with Jesus is worth everything in this life and the next. 

Life is worth celebrating. That's the message of Easter, the kind of message that makes these hands clap, and this heart rejoice. 

I don't know where this Easter finds you. Maybe a bit cynical, over-tired, fearful for the future, not at church. I'm not asking you to pretend like there isn't pain or like this life doesn't suck. I would never ask you to be the kind of Christian who pushes it all away on Easter just because you're not sure how it all fits together. 

Easter doesn't ignore pain. It looks it in the face, takes it by the hand and shows it the way back to life and freedom. Easter says Life is worth celebrating. Easter says this life isn't the end. Easter says He is risen, and so are you, because Life is worth it. 

When You're Tired of All the "Stuff": a post on minimalism.

Some images will always be readily available in the view master of your mind. You can just click and there it will be, replaying on a tiny loop— forever. For me I’ll never stop seeing those 10 suitcases tumbling down the airport luggage belt. Ten bags for my family of seven, filled with our entire lives possessions.

Minimalism has always played some sort of role in my life— whether by choice or not.

When I was six my parents decided to become missionaries. So we moved from my beloved blue house in downtown Minneapolis, to an apartment in the second story of a house a few blocks over. Then we moved to an even smaller apartment as we prepared to leave. Every time we relocated we shed more of our belongings. In the final days before we left, we were living in my grandparents’ guest room, just us and our 10 suitcases filled with the few things we’d deemed worthy of our new lives.

Once we arrived in Uzbekistan we mostly continued to live out of those 10 bags. My dad didn’t want to live differently to our neighbours; he wanted to blend in. If they didn’t have cars, we didn’t have a car. If their kids slept on cots on the floor, we would too. And even though most of our neighbours had TVs, it still took us a few years to convince Dad to buy a TV for us. I still remember some of the rooms in our house echoing because there was hardly anything in them.

This minimalist living was a choice for us. Somewhere in the back of my mind, even at seven-years-old, I knew that at any point we could pack our 10 bags and tumble back to America where I would be reunited with all my favourite toys, books, movies and foods. Stuff was waiting for us if we wanted it.

For most of our friends in Uzbekistan, “minimalism” just meant they were poor. It wasn’t a lifestyle; it wasn’t a choice. They were living as well as they could with what they had.

Fast forward 10 years and we’re moving back to America. Our 10 suitcases have somehow reduced themselves to one per person, and we’re on the brink of starting life over. My parents used the little savings they had from their missionary salary to make a down-payment on a tiny house just outside of Minneapolis. My dad got a job that just about supported us five kids – why do missionary families always have a million children? We unpacked our bags and again, even though our house was tiny, it felt huge with nothing in it. Saturdays were garage sale days where Mum and I would get up early and go scout out the best deals on old junk people were throwing away. I think we still have that silverware set somewhere in my parents’ house… This time minimalism wasn’t a choice we were making, it was making the most of what we actually had— which was virtually nothing.

These days, de-cluttering our lives, stripping down to the bare necessities is trendy in the Christian and secular world. Images of bearded hipsters sitting in white rooms whittling away some wooden bowl with an heirloom pocket knife, while dressed in plain — but expensive— organic fibres come to mind. For Christians, we often equate living with less with being more holy. So we donate our second TV or start eating all our leftovers. And it isn’t good to waste our things or place our happiness in them. Sometimes living with less can really reveal our unhealthy dependency on stuff. It allows us to locate problem areas in our hearts, which is good.

But what I think we sometimes forget is that for us in the proverbial ‘West’, minimalist living is a choice, and therefore a privilege. When we left America, people applauded our noble 10 suitcases, congratulating us for needing so little. But when we moved into our Uzbek neighbourhood, we were that American family that had — can you believe it?!— 10 entire trunks full of stuff! We never stopped being the ‘wealthy’ American family down the street. And you and I will probably never, in our lifetimes, stop being a part of the wealthy West to the rest of the world. We get the privilege of shedding our things and still living comfortable, happy lives.

Materialism is an unhealthy focus on stuff. And at its worst, minimalism is still just again focusing on ‘the stuff’, albeit in a different light. But our God doesn’t live minimally, instead He gives generously to all out of His abundance. Instead of cutting back, He gives more than anyone; His love, His freedom, His goodness, His own life, He gives us Himself. That’s because it’s never been about the things we own, and has everything to do with how we love people. For me, I’ve lived frugally and, separately, have been quite poor. From my experience, it’s not the stuff you do or don’t have that makes you a better person. But what you do with what you have— be it a lot or a little— can change the world forever.

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It’s not the stuff you do or don’t have that makes you a better person. But what you do with what you have— be it a lot or a little— can change the world forever.

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This year, instead of resolving to have less stuff, why don’t we resolve to do more with our stuff? Instead of vowing not to buy more than one item of clothing a month, why not vow to buy clothing for people who have none? Or instead of deciding to eat your left overs, invite people who need a meal over for dinner so there are no leftovers? Instead of buying bottled water, use that money to invest in getting clean water to those who have none.

If you’re giving it all away, trust me, you’ll definitely have less stuff at the end of this year. We as Christians have the privilege of living generously and giving out of the truth that nothing we have in this world is truly our own to begin with.

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Originally published on threads: a Christian collective.

Where’s My Stage? And Other Lies that Keep Us from Serving

This piece was originally published on threads: a Christian collective.

I never dreamed of working backstage.

No literally, I never dreamed of working behind a stage, which is what I do at my job for my husband’s band. It’s dark and has none of the lights and glamour that prop the front of the stage up. I run in and out of black curtains, grabbing more t-shirts, sending emails, taking pictures, and generally trying to be useful. Most days I even wear all black just to fit into the background more. 

No one knows who I am, or that I’m even there. And to be honest it’s taken me a while to learn to be okay with that. It’s not what I always dreamed of doing, but if I’m even more honest, it’s because I struggle with putting more value on what’s happening on stage than behind it. 

I wish that wasn’t true, but it is. Somedays I get scared if I keep working in the background I’ll fade away. Somedays I think I’m worth more. Somedays I believe so many lies it immobilizes me. 

I don’t think I’m alone in these insecurities, and I’m definitely not alone in my need to fight them. Even though most of us don’t work behind an actual, physical stage it doesn’t mean that we don’t struggle with feeling like we’re living on the sidelines of someone else’s show. We all believe lies about the value of a front and center stage. 

As a millennial I’ve grown up believing that I can do anything and be the best. I know it sounds dumb, and that’s because it is. I also live in a society that’s all about self-promotion— on social media, in work, even in when it comes to faith communities, we long for a sense of worth and leadership. Working backstage has uncovered so many lies I didn’t even know I believed about what it means to be a human who is worth something. 

In this post I want to use the metaphor of the stage to identify three lies and challenge them because I believe they threaten to damage our effectiveness in the kingdom of God. 

    1    The stage is worth more than anything else around it.

My big lie that I catch myself believing is that what happens on stage is worth more than what happens off it. Basically, that to be worth anything I need to have a spotlight, a microphone, a throng of fans validating my self-worth. Isn’t that such a gross lie? It makes me gag a little. I think we all have a “stage” that we aspire to. We want to be the best at what we do, the leader, the talent, the worshiped one. When we’re not, we feel like we’ve failed. 

We only need to look at Jesus to see the truth about the center stage. Even though he actually deserved the worship, the honor, the spotlight, he lowered himself to be the least of these. He came to serve, to wash feet, to be killed for the sake of his people. Jesus rejected the “stage” because he knew it wasn’t the way he was going to be the most effective for the kingdom.

Of course this doesn’t mean that the stage and having a platform is evil. Having a platform to serve from can be such a powerful and beautiful tool. But the main purpose for a platform is to serve the good of others and bring glory to God. When those two things aren't happening, the platform has lost its eternal value. People with the brightest spotlights should be the biggest servants. If they’re not, then they’re abusing their role. 

2. What happens backstage doesn’t matter.

Okay, obviously this one isn’t true, so then why do we all believe it? I know it might feel like it’s true when you spend long hours day and night to make an event happen in your community and no one notices it. We’re vain people, we lust after glory. 

The most hardworking member of our road team is our tour manager Tom. He’s the first one awake, the last one to go to bed, he drives trucks, loads gear, deals with challenging people, he even gives up his meals sometimes for our bus driver when there isn’t enough. He’s a legend that serves with his all at all times. We couldn’t live without Tom. Some us even question if we’d still be around without him! But literally no one asks Tom for his autograph. He’s one of the most valued members of our team, but publicly no one even knows he exists. 

What happens backstage matters just as much as what happens on stage. If you’re feeling discontent and under-recognized in your team, in your ministry, in your life I would challenge you to ask yourself: what makes it all worthwhile? If the answer is the approval and appreciation of other people, then maybe it’s not the right job for you. Tom works as hard as he does for two reasons: 1) he loves it, 2) he loves how it impacts others for good and that it brings glory to God. I think those are some pretty good things to root your work in.

“So that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” - Matthew 6:4

3. Where are my fans? How do I get them?

I know it’s uncomfortable to talk about, because we all pretend we don’t care about glory. Wake up! We all care about the glory! If you treat life like your stage you may stumble into the spotlight, but you’ll miss the eternal point. 

Every Christian has been taught this world is not our home, that this life is fading, a breath, a vapor. And yet so many of us— myself included— are so caught up in living our best life now! We’re all guilty of hoarding up our medals and treasures here on earth, and all they do is cloud our vision of heaven. 

You don’t get fans, you’re not meant to be worshiped. None of us are. And that shouldn’t bother us. The closest we should ever get to being on the stage of God is getting to be the spotlight that shines on him or the microphone through which he speaks. And we all get to be those things in our lives, through our words, and in our actions. 

“Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” - Luke 12:33-34

I feel like I’ve done a lot of preaching, so let me end on this note of encouragement to the one who is struggling with self-worth: you are worth so much more than what you do or don’t do. Before you did anything, Jesus did everything because he thought you were worth it. Rest in that, abide in his love, and trust that he sees you and is all the audience you need— in this life and the next.