"No, sorry. We don't have any available apartments at this time." "K, thanks," : words I barely squeak out. Attempt number 2,546. Speedwalking out of the leasing office I barely made it out of the door before large, long- overdue teardrops spill down my cheeks.
No one mentioned the trials of homelessness at commencement.
Fumbling for my phone I did what any self-respecting, 23 year-old, young professional does in a moment of emotional crisis-- I called my mom.
"There's NOTHING in all of Madison!" I blubber.
"Something'll show up, Ella. God'll provide," she uses the same low, comforting voice she uses on our golden retriever, Willie.
"No he won't!" I'm inconsolable. Obviously I know this isn't true, but my Emotions have completely taken the floor now and it's hard to back-peddle from there.
What makes this narrative more embarrassing than it already is, is that I was not homeless or even desperate. Living comfortably with close, loving friends while making a gainable income isn't exactly on par with homeless shelter desolation.
So I drove back in my car that I own, back to the warm home of friends and ate food I could afford and probably laughed and got over my emotional meltdown later that evening.
But the whole ride back and rest of the evening I was angry and sullen in my heart with God.
"...while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us..."
Why do I have so little faith in God's provision? In his goodness? His kindness? His sovereignty?
Post-graduate life has been my wandering in the desert. I feel like the Israelites. I have forgotten all the times that God parted the Red Sea, rained manna and meat from heaven, poured out water from rocks and provided for every single need I have had along the way.
And yet I grumble. I forget and look back at my old life and think "Why am I not back in Egypt? God why have you left me here?"
When in reality God is just bringing me to the promise land. Even if I never saw another blessing my entire life (which I HIGHLY doubt is what God has in store for me...) I have an eternal dwelling waiting for me. I have my sins forgiven, my life redeemed and more blessings than I can count.
On top of all this, God brought me a roommate who loves Jesus, an apartment the is in my price range and a wonderful community to grow in Madison.
I emailed my mom when I found my a place to live. She emailed me back one sentence:
"Isn't this more than you could ask or imagine?"
Yes. Yes it is. I'm so grateful that he is good when I am evil. That he is faithful when I am faithless. And that his love for me isn't based on anything I do, but on Jesus.