This can't be it, I think bitterly sorting laundry. I went to college, I have a degree and I'm doing laundry.
I feel myself try to mentally steel myself against the ugly thoughts that are taking over my pathetic pity-party. It feels impossible and the tears start to well.
But somehow, elbows high deep in dirty, sweaty gig clothes, I know this is what God has called me to right now. And even though I know he's called me to serve along side my husband in this way, in this season, it's that very fact my heart rebels against. I'd always imagined my contribution to the kingdom being so much more glamorous than this: send me overseas, smuggling Bibles into unreached countries, learning foreign languages, pouring over Bible passages with other women-- maybe even church planting! But not this.
It turns out when I told God I would give him my heart, my hands, my service, my life, I meant I'd do anything but wash dishes on a tour bus.
Turns out what really meant was, I'll serve you only if it aligns with my personal visions and plans for myself, instead of, I'll serve you no matter what the cost.
It turns out when I told God I would give him my heart, my hands, my service, my life, I meant I'd do anything but wash dishes.
I sit down, and start folding, conviction spreading from my heart to my finger tips.
"Everyone wants to start a revolution, but no body wants to wash the dishes," writes Shane Claibourne.
And it's so true. True of me, anyway. I want to be a part of the "glorious Great Commission", in a way that means my gifts, talents and passions are being directly fulfilled.
Not that God doesn't grant us the desires of our hearts, but sometimes the road isn't as direct or immediately gratifying as we want it to be. And sometimes our desires need to be refined.
"When I get to heaven I don't want to face Jesus and say 'Yeah Lord, I did everything I always wanted to do and chased down every dream I had'," Ali says when I share these wrestlings with her. "I want to say 'Yes Jesus, I was faithful to every path you called me to.'"
So simple, so beautiful. To be faithful to season we're called to instead of always trying to find the nearest exit. Because the reality is God never promises our life circumstances will bring us fulfillment, but he promises himself to make us whole. And yes, there are abundant blessings, fields to dream in, and vast creative chasms for us to use our gifts in. Those seasons will come and go.
But I know my calling today.
I'm called to be a joyful dish washer, laundry folder, supporter of my husband, my team and band mates, builder of my family, server of the church, and faithful to God's call upon my life.
So it may not be glamorous. But it is glorious. Everything He calls us to results in infinite and definite glory.