There's something calming about falling asleep to the sound of a dozen people breathing over the unsteady beat of bus wheels on concrete. I like it. The steady rise and fall of dreams filling in the silence with staggered regularity.
In the darkness I burrow deeper into my warm blankets, almost content in this moment. Almost.
Closing in on 2:00 a.m., sleep has yet to reach my weary eyelids.
Even this adventure, this life on the road hasn't filled a deep-rooted longing for something more. Something larger than my life, than the lives around me.
I already know the answer to my ache. I want a God-breathed life. I exhale-- joining the sleepy chorus in the bunks around me. I want the Holy Spirit. But I'm scared to want him. I know, even as I lay there in the pitch blackness of my bunk, wanting more Jesus is the riskiest thing I could desire. I dance around a life of full-surrender like a bonfire. Trying to feel its warmth, without getting close enough for it to heat me like a white-hot coal. Fire warms, but it also burns.
I feel burned. Here at 24, newly-wed and living out of a suitcase, my naive and simple faith in God has been singed and even jaded by cynicism. I know I can't live without the fire's light and darkness, nor do I want to, but I hover, nervous to get to close as others I see living by its side.
I know I'm not alone in this desire. How many countless saints have wrestled down this same path before me? We read books, listen to talks, go to conferences to unlock the "key" to a Spirit-filled life.
The bus lurches gently and I hear the answer.
It's not complicated. And yet it's a challenging invitation.
To seek is to find. But what if I don't like what I find? What if my idea of God isn't who he actually is? My doubts aren't in whether or not God will make good on his promise to draw near, it's whether or not I want to hear what he has to say.
Seek me and live. Amos 5:4
I want to live. No amount of life-adventure can quench this thirst for the fullness of life.
Somehow there in the darkness of the bunk, I know this is the beginning a journey to look into the eyes of my Savior. To come as a child unashamed and full of love.
For when you seek, you will find.